Sunday, October 29, 2006

Existential angst

Going round and round, round and round, round and round. Gosh! I already feel dizzy! I don't want to but I already feel nauseated. If things remain this way, I wonder how am I gonna live the rest of my days.

The first time I experienced this kind of nausea was couple of years back. Since then it has become a part of my life, though totally unwanted. Strange feelings and emotions accompany it. Sometimes everything around me seems to be spinning faster than ever, so much so that it all becomes one and I am unable to distinguish one from another. At other times things seem to acquire a pulsating rhythm - coming close to me and then retreating away as soon as I try to reach out to them creating so much confusion that I am unable to move forward or backward and fall flat on the ground lying there motionless for days and months together.

This nausea has posed an existential threat to me. It's an endless spiral in which I am trapped. I want to come out of it but am terribly lost. The vertigo makes me disoriented. I do what I don't want to, I say what I mustn't, I think the unthinkable.

The whirling sensation makes me wanna throw up. But I cannot do so. My mouth is duct-taped. So I'll have to swallow it all in. I want to purge myself of of all the undesirable elements inside me but the duct-tape doesn't let me do that. I feel incapacitated. I fear to remove the duct-tape as I do not know if I would be able to confront all the undesirable elements once they are out in the open staring at me.

The agony is unbearable. The nausea is getting worse. I will have to deal with it on my own, either get rid of it or learn to live with it. The latter seems a more real option, the former is only an idea. Once discovered there is no escape from this nausea. It then becomes your companion for life. Nausea, in one of its several different forms, will remain with me till death do us part. This conjugal relationship is one of its kind where one is feeding on the other like a parasite. This forces the other to become stronger so that the predation continues for a little longer. I am therefore getting stronger by the day to outsmart my predator until one day it overcomes me and that day when it wins over me, it would see its last day. And so would I!


  1. u want me to come to US to show u the videos??? :P

    lol.. sure i'd tyr help ya.. but im more interested in ur paper.. wats in there? wat r u planning towrite? is it kind of addressing present issues with old fundas? or just a short writeup on the life of chanakya?

    personal suggestion : there are lot of people to read and write chanakya.. the greater part is how do u put them in present timeframe.. a similar analogy is that "thoughts and innovations hav always been there.. the greater part lies in harnessing them through technologies.. u know ;-)"

    PS : would be interested in knowing what exactly ur doing in US as a student.. what r u graduating in.. etc.. thanks..

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  3. Man who marries his love lives happily, else becomes philosopher.

    It works for women too.. ;-)